It’s the first time K and I have ever been apart since he moved out to Oregon at the beginning of last summer. We had been planning for this since I had been craving alone time, time in solitude with myself for a long while. It’s interesting though, my longing for him did not allow me much solitude. For the first time in years, I wasn’t quite lonely, but I did feel actually alone, instead of just in solitude for the time that he has been gone.
What’s the difference you ask? It is all how being with just yourself FEELS that defines whether you are alone and lonely or simply, spending time in solitude. I was always that person who was never bored as a child. I’ve always been that person who would run off and go find a tree to climb all the way to the top and sit in… and just watching, waiting… seeing if anyone even noticed, there was a girl up the tree. Often, I would position myself so you would have to actually look for me to find me: what I’m saying, I’m the person who has ALWAYS felt being with just myself as solitude… it was when I was surrounded by people I was supposed to feel intimately connected with that I felt alone standing in the crowd of. So strange to have known my family my whole life, yet, the last 3? 4? years have been the first Thanksgivings when sitting in a delightful party of people who love me, I haven’t felt disconnected and alone- I’ve actually felt like a part of my family…sorta.
Why only sorta, you wonder? I realize it is because I finally love myself. I finally have accepted myself… I have finally accepted that my family is not my soul family. They are the family I was born into to culture me into the being I was born to be. I was born into this family to go through the challenge of having to learn how to emotionally validate and understand myself, EVEN when no one else can manage to, and that can be okay, now, almost.
These last two Thanksgivings were the ones where I actually felt some enjoyment and calm, even in the face of bickering and bullsh*t. Wanna know why? K. He listened, he was there for me- HE emotionally validates me. HE noticed all the stuff that had been niggling at me for my entire life, those ways that my family mistreat me and vocalize in subtle ways how they have written me off and show they do not have faith in me or believe in me, really… HE saw them. More often than not, he was the one who pointed out to me- “Whoa, why did they just say that to you?”
“What is their problem?”
“Why don’t they see how A feels about them all?”
“Yeah, I know it hurts you so much when they lie to you.”
etc. etc.
I’m still dumbfounded every time- because I’m the person who was always brushed off and discounted as crazy. But K being right there next to me? Yeah, I’m crazy, but I’m crazy because I notice all that sh*t they won’t even show to themselves, let alone begin to acknowledge or admit it, let alone allow themselves to see there can be a different way and stop faking- but that’s the thing- I don’t think they see it as faking. They see it as not rocking the boat, they see it as “getting along”.
Sometimes it feels like it’s just K and I who will ever see eye to eye. Yet, there are times, when I feel overwhelmed with not being able to trust him. Yes, he has lied. Yes, that one time he was tried and he failed so miserably I am still struggling to let go of the fact that, he didn’t mention me. That’s what won’t let me go. That and a few other choice bits of broken glass thoughts that keep digging in deeper into my heart.
There is no one else I feel drawn to be with. K is the person I have felt drawn to be with, always, past all logic, past all suffering and pain and agony. I can see our wedding in my head. I can taste the sweat off the foreheads of our children, when I kiss them in my mind’s eye. I can see his old wrinkled face while we sit watching the sunset when we are in our 80s, wrapped up in alpaca blankets we brought back from our many trips to South America together, just the two of us and with our children.
Yes, I love easily. I have loved and do love every person still to this moment that I have ever loved. I have found endless people attractive- and if you asked me to tally how many people I have welcomed into my heart and soul, I could only give you a guesstimate of over 10,000 people I have felt that DEEP spark of attraction, connection and love with.
However, in all my life- I have never loved someone like I love K. So much passion at the same as so much calm. When we make love, there is so much between us that even when we are f*cking hard, our eyes are locked- our souls might as well be one and the same. We suffer more and love more than any people I have ever observed.
I swear, by the Universe, K is my twin flame. My soul and his soul are 2 fingers of the same soul, molded by our lives to seem different, yet, we are the same. No, not just similar- the same. So much so, that our energy and our looks have people wondering if we are siblings. Yes, we look alike. Yes, we feel alike. And yes, when we are in public, we are the ultimate harmony 99% of the time. Because we maybe divided mentally, at the time for whatever reason, but really? We are one soul.
There was this point when we became so raw and vulnerable to each other that his body feels like mine. My soul, feels like his. Where he begins and where I end, is the everlasting question with only infinity to resonate as our answer. For when we sit together- when he holds me- when I hold him- the darkness when I close my eyes, is the first place I have ever felt both in solitude and in complete acceptance, that I am not alone. Even when I am in solitude, over 2,000 miles away- he is here with me. I am never alone, ever again. <3