Since finding out I am pregnant the shifts that were already taking place within me have come with more clarity of feeling and refining of my thoughts about the experiences I am welcoming into my life with how I treat my body- what I put into it with supplements, foods, how much water I drink every single day, how much of what fresh foods I am eating and my struggle with commitment and consistency is real. For anyone who has known me my entire life, they know I am a spontaneous and vastly impulsive person- though I have had it pointed out that I am predictably so. These inherent contrasts and contradictions that are inherent in all human Beings, heck, all Beings I have ever interacted with in this plane have a patchwork of different energies balancing in them.
That said, there are natural cycles and progressions to the evolution of the human experience, given that time offers us the chance to experience life in a series of moments and recall memories. I’m told over and over I will not remember the morning sickness that wakes me up and causes me to feel as if my whole body is briefly trying to turn itself inside out. Will I remember the mood swings? Will Kyle? We dance with the possibility of twins because I am in the top 25% of women for height and I am still overweight on the BMI scale as much as my body continues to morph daily before my eyes- and most of all, we notice me refer to the life growing inside of me when I don’t catch myself as them, they, the little ones… ahhh, well, we will see. What will be is what will be. What is meant to be is what will be. Uncertainty is the only certainty. My comfort with change and morphing serves me deeply and well in this process. I adapt and grow as I feel drawn through my struggles to the other side of this life.
This ease of change and progress seems to be gearing up my body to learn how to make this pregnancy as smooth and healthy for me as it can be. It is through this process of this emerging life (these emerging lives) that I sense even more deeply into the well-being that is inherent to this entire dimension, this entire Universe, this entire expanding creation… It’s like my body is as quickly as possible using the stored energy in my body (my fat) to fuel the miracles of creation that occur inside of me through every single moment in this pregnancy.
I embrace the flow that occurs when I strive to “Opinion less, Pause more”. The surrender into acceptance is the most exquisite dance of Universal Love I have ever beckoned my soul into. I find myself more easily offering love and compassion to the anger that is hurled at me- as much as I also allow myself the hefty bubble of space that feels enough of a buffer to the energies that I feel uncertain about including in my experience.
The habits I embody, through this pregnancy, in the birthing process and through the years of welcoming my child(ren) into this Incredible Earth we are blessed to be the Guardians of. I feel the energy of my little ones pull me into better, more natural ease and communion with the perspectives that make up Unity Consciousness. The feelings of rumblings and the vibrations of heartbeat(s) alight my waking moments and conversations with the life developing in me occurs in dreams and in every moment, every pulse of my heart, every breath- is in sync with the little lives growing strong within me.
I talk with my little ones in my head. And always, I feel- I hear a chorus rising within me from them. Is this imagination? Is this the imaginings that are the reality? I’ve sworn I could feel at least one heart beat for a long while. It all started with a shift in the sound of blood rushing in my ears. Then a light vibration, then an unmistakable vibration. Now, I feel into my belly area and I feel the rush of my deep artery pulsing with my heartbeat, I feel the sync with one hand on my pulse at my neck. And yet still there is this vibration, that goes in sync and then dances around my own hear beat. And sometimes that vibration seems to dance around it’s self. I do not know what to think of this. Part of me feels like I am imagining this- the other part of me, the part of me that Knows I am deeply intuitive, and wholly in touch with the inner world and sensations of my body whispers at me to trust what I feel pulled to Know- it will make sense in a linear fashion later. My heart, my mind dance back and forth on the subject- but then I have long struggled to release myself from doubting the strong, patient intuitive piques I have gotten my whole life long. I notice when I push away at the idea of having twins it’s because I am afraid if it’s true- I’ll be in over my head… and I’m afraid if it’s not true- I will feel very disappointed. Thus is the awkward dance of seeking certainty in the midst of uncertainty.
I dance with my thoughts as I step deeper into meditation on my life and it’s progress possible- while holding my thoughts loose from grasping to firmly to what I contemplate. I hold tight to the feelings, while releasing the structures that dilute the power that each shifting thought pulses into my experience. The sun feels better than ever. My Beloved smells more intoxicating than ever- I will miss the subtly of the scent of his skin once I can no longer pick it up the same way. At times when we cuddle together or are being intimate- it feels like I am literally drinking in Kyle’s essence with the taste of his smell washing over and through me. Other times when I am out and about, the fragrances of the world entice me deeper into the moment of walking past the sugary painted feeling of a bakery, fresh cakes and pastries wafting delight out the door and into my nostrils on the street. I feel so a-washed in the energies radiating off of the world and those people around me- even though I am almost 30, I find myself wanting to huddle in my earphones and under my hoodie, hiding the shine that no matter how I withhold breaks out over my edges, like the smile on my face creasing the edges of my eyes-pushing the sensation as a radiated force out into the Universe at large, involuntarily.
I don’t know what it is, the yearning for tomorrow getting caught up in the breathes of today? My attention hovers in the present moment, fully immersed in my simmering experience. I should make a soup today before the veggies turn past the point of no return… I can already smell the cooking! Mmmm.
Let me know what this entry provoked within you. Anything, all. Thank you.
So much love,
&, Artemis
