It’s the feelings of sitting and watching myself fall deeper into love with him, like I fall deeper in every moment into the sensations of warmth that flood my chest and fill my throat with words that catch with inadequacy. Listening to him sing ‘meow’s to our little Jojo kitty, laughing about her insisting for his attention, jumping into the sink, we both feel the conversations held between us and the animals we share our home with, everyday- as clear if not with more clarity then the hodgepodge of communicational exchanges with the other human Beings on this planet. My whole life I have wondered at how the communications with animals that holds no set defined words, exisists with such deep obvious clarity within my understanding. The feelings of tenderness amble forth in torrents of sensation and crystalized concepts suspended in the space between us.
My cats are some of my favorite models, thier forms so expressive in the same breath as the silence that spreads inwards between the mews and exhuberant eyes that say more than the limitations of our vocabulary ever can or will. My pets are my children, I remember my mother saying this to me, that the cats were her children and understanding this yet, feeling slightly hurt. Interesting how this is something that sticks with me, no matter the context- my mother’s words, telling me to figure out how to be okay with my allergies, because the cats were not going anywhere- as they are my siblings. I wonder sometimes if my relentless refusal to surrender animals before they have lived out thier time with me naturally is sourced from this understanding. Animals have feelings and emotions, understandings and intimacy with us and eat other. The barrier of language only gets in the way of this capability of shared understandings held in plethora in the connections that happen with something as simple as locking eyes.
There was a traveller who told me that he learned everything he needed to know about me from watching my cats and how they are. There have been many times my cats have indicated to me the worth of the prescense of someone past what I had already realized. Sometimes the fact that Jake is starkly uninterested in someone was often an insistance from my intuition of some upcoming diversion with me and that individual very quickly in the future. Or Jo feeling so close to Kyle and the way that the social heirchy and dynamics between the little white one and the fluffy black one have become more balanced, flowing, easy. Or maybe above all it is a testiment to the all encompassing nature of patience and love, understanding, letting go and living in a perpetual state of divine compassion and unconditional love.
I have not been eating ketogenically adapted, as much as my body fat continues to shift downwards to better placement on my lower body and less crowding around my neck, collarbones and shoulders, I notice other intensified struggles for forsaking my understanding about the best ways to eat for my body. So often I have flashes of realization that my worn out feelings are from the rollercoaster of higher amounts of processed foods and carbohydrates pressing through my digestive system. My body and I are in a continuous dance. I crave pizza and cookies, I crave cake and macaroons… when I deny myself these indulgences I feel pulled ten ways to Sunday into not knowing how I feel- or at least doing the dance of conflicted feelings pulling me into all of the different feelings at once. Because I am pregnant, is it a bad thing to suppress cravings? I feel like my body sends me cravings to communicate a need for the growing life inside of me…
While the morning sickness remains relentless, I am finding a pattern to embrace as the flow of the opening of every morning. I realize at 7:30/8A I am fully alert and awake, even if the constriction and feeling of not being able to lay down loosens, I notice that I still am fully awake, that I could sit and discuss anything. Gone is the groggy, foggy feeling that I felt upon waking every time. This is part of the source of confusion, the shifts the changes the jive from moment to moment as I awaken each morning has shifted. Gone is so much of the anger. Disappated are the thoughts of worry and fixation of lack of trust. Even my frustration wanes as I surrender deeper into my feelings of joy at living my life every day, through the push and pull of the present moment.
I have come to realize deeply, that the reason that Kyle and I get along so well is the looseness of the love that holds us connected. The feelings between us are deep and sure. The sureity I have experieced through the ups and downs of the moments leave me gasping in appreciation at my good fortune all around. I am going through stuggles with uncertainty, yet my life is filled with more faith and feelings of certainty than I have ever experienced before. The steady progression of the blossom of the petals of my life unfurling shifts like eyelashes that flutter against the cheeks. Someone to care for me, not take care of me. We care for each other, help making caring for ourselves a little bit lighter, more playful, fulfilling and easy.
The feelings that rush like my blood around my heart, my body leave a trail of tingles as my heart flutters- no one ever gets to me quite like this. Oh, I mean, a beautiful body and a delightfully complex soul of simplicity gets to me every time. He is simply my easiest and most perfect fixation- for I have for more than a decade now, quietly and surely bolstered my feelings of love, affection, enjoyment and connection to Kyle- past all rational objections and feelings of pain- literally there is only more love once the pain lightens, and when I hold trust to my faith in my highest feelings- no jumble of thoughts or any linear rationalizations can interfere with what is Know in every fiber, trusted to emerge with every beat of every internal cataylst- realize the reason for the potency of the connections that sustain past all understanding through the tests of time. Maybe this is why I have long since let go of the need to believe that people will stick around- no amount of planning or deciding to stay can change when the fates seem to have decided there is an end to the connections shared. The story is more oftne than not, from only one perspective and riddled with projections and blame of the other while little responsibility is offered from within. I have not ever understood this, for my internal world is the most relentless of the landscapes I have challenged and built into more- more feeling, more sensation, more balance.
And then I get thirsty and the cold water makes my tummy cramp. UGH!