I am a human Being with an expansive, deep, vivid and spectacular interior world. I live with the yearning to find an way to express this world into the experiencing tactile exsistence we share as this reality- our interface. So, not long after beginning to do my best to share what was within me with those who were on the exterior, I began to struggle and feel great angst about how distorted what came from inside me back when I opened to the perceptions of the exterior realm, or other’s opinions of my paltry expressions of what is within me. It hurt, for my parents, my loved ones, my friends, my peers, my authority figures to misunderstand me and misconstrue what I expressed through words, emotions, facial expressions, prescense and more.
It also felt like the best feeling ever when I could feel people, these loved ones, these strangers, these people I interacted with- when I could feel them see me, when I could feel them see me see them, see me… this opening and warm blossoming filled every bit of the space we shared and expanded to those places far past the edges of where we conciously exsisted… Since I became aware of my awareness, I have been most intrigued and activated by this feeling of deeply shared, ephemeral connection between beings. This can be experienced with people, animals, plants, the Earth, the sky… For the sake of retaining focus within each post, in this fractal of exploration, I will be exploring person to person connecting as I have observed, processed and experienced it in my lifetime. For that is how my ego voice had once felt- like another person or group of persons, or sides of myself, identities, parts of myself that seemed to bubble up and take over my Being, depending on how I focused my thoughts and how I allowed myself to ruminate and hold present certain patterns by holding tight to the affixed values I put on my thoughts and my feelings. Yes, my feelings long felt like they took over me- and sometimes, it is the threshold I can still pass- I am still learning this dance of being authentic and at the same time not getting lost in the sensations of the experience of the moment. I feel this is the dance I am here to embody and live fully expressed in my exhibiting of experience. This means that sometimes, especially now that I live 90% of the time in the awareness of simply being present, to all things, thoughts, feelings, emotions, others- yet as I grow more into the person that calls me into deeper meaning and understanding of my purpose, my blueprints speak volumes about allowing my naturalness, my prescense of beingness and my path of surrender into the estactic experience that is feeling acceptance for all and the deepest of Univeral Love, surrendered open, accepting all, seeing all as the perfect experience of life that n that is all as nothing is the feeding in of infinitity being contrasted to be what it is… We are one unified field, perceiveing in parts to experience itself, in all dimensions and capacities, we are here to expand, to be conciousness experiencing what it means to be conciousness.
All of what I write resides in me as a feeling, in flashes and patterns and smells and textures and beats and waves… and… I’ve gotten better over the years at streamlining the ephemeral into some sort of texturized form… but as I have gotten better at communicating in forms that people around me can even begin to comprehend- I feel loss at what is lost in the space between that cannot be transmuted past the edges of my _______________- I lack a word that feels complete… awareness, prescense, manifested being, multi-dimnesional self… these all hold at the core a concept that feels so limiting to attempting to create word that feels of the feeling like what is within. Do you feel that too? It was the part of me that railed against the insessant and biting chatter of my ego- the patience within that quietly reassured me that the way that I spoke to myself was more abusive than the way that those who have spoken abusively towards me did… Perhaps that was the genuis of the ego- it’s kernal intent to spur my growth and progress into self awareness at a catalystic rate in a very, very early age. I always felt different. And very early on, this felt like a good thing- but around 5, 6… 7… I had a series of expereinces that created deep contradictions within my belief structures- and beliefs were formed and created about myself and how different I am- and how this made me feel so isolated and alone… and now, I can see who deep rage and anger that made no sense took root from that damning feeling contradiction held within the experience I am bound to move through in this lifetime… yet, every dark box, every shadow holds within it the brightest light to be revealed at it’s core… this is what I Know at this point in my life- and now for many years. It was a realization that saved me from the torture I had once shackled myself mentally into- for it was what it seemed we are supposed to do- get so tangled in our pain and suffering that maybe we could connect because we are all in pain and suffering… but there is such flaw in that thinking pattern- it is a self defeating and damning loop- yet a loop I see all around me, everyday and in so many people who I hold dear. I myself stumble into this loop sometimes too- though my awareness of this feeling and the pattern ripples trigger me to awareness rather quickly and I am more often than not able to step into a mental space where I allow my thoughts and feelings to happen, I experience them, and fully engage with the depth and breadth of the information seeking to be presented through my experience, so each time, I embrace, accept and grow into more of who I really am, who calls me into yearning for more every moment of everyday- yet the consistent allowing of that prescense soothes me, as it energizes me to reach higher and stand more firmly in what I process.
These days, my chattering ego offers another energy to observe and conversate with when the need for awareness of perspectives are needed… yet I do notice my thoughts hanging in silence, true silence more often- or should I say I find my awareness resting in the pause between my thoughts far more often than not these days… and the feeling of calm in the middle of the storm rests within my prescense more often than not, even when my body is moving, I observe it, when I feel the sensations of my body and the fear of myself or others, I observe it, with a marked detachment that allows me to feel deep compassion even while I am fuming angry. I have found that feeling alive rests in sitting with all that is within me, every contradiction, and loving it for being, for it is here to add something to my awarness through me showing up in my own world, and living authentically my experience. I live surrendered into the well-being that sits quietly in the every moment, in everything… the more I do this and ardently fixate my thoughts in patterns of thought that ground me in my faith in the highest good, that there is something greater than me that we are all a part of that is more intelligent and imaginative than I could ever think of on my own. The more I surrender into the acceptance that life is a ride and my key is to respond from a place of detached, loving, accepting awareness… the better, more easy and more alive with every exquisite, miraculous breath I take, with every change and experience that is transmuted into form to be experienced and expanded upon… the more everything gets… the more everything feels… always, I come back to this- I am blessed to feel this much. <3