Today after my naturopathic doctor’s appt was rescheduled, I followed the pull to a gift shop I didn’t even know exsisted til I was pulling into the parking lot, drawn in like a moth to flame. I was immediately pleased and in a state of open appreciation walking into the shop and looking around. I was immeadiately drawn to the tapestries and spent time looking through all the lovely hangings there. I found myself naturally and comfortably sitting down on the floor to look at and decide if there was anything I felt very drawn to buy. About a half hour later, I had found a big good bag to start setting up as my birth bag, a large peice of honey onyx stone and a book called The Sedona Method. I then felt drawn to pick up the Portland Eatery review magazine and found myself stopping on a page about chicken and waffles- the Screen Door called me to drive in to Portland and have an evening reading my book on a date with myself.
I realized sitting there next to a family with a little baby who the father clearly knew the people at the resturant, that I, as much as I am excited and looking forward to being a mother, I will my ability to live spontaneously relishing my solitude. I spent most of my life single, up until my relationship with Kyle becoming what it is, I was in no relationship for longer than 3 or 4 months, maybe 5 months at the longest. Yes, I had lived with people, but only ever as them being welcomed into my already paid for home as a more consistent guest- though, really they did live with me- who am I kidding?
Still, I feel like my solitude is what I will miss the most in the coming 20-30 years. Having spent so many years single, in truth, what lead to my successful relationship I am in now was relishing my solitude, enjoying every dash of it, every hovering moment of not needing to pay attention to anyone or anything but my own desires and internal pushes and pulls. When I am being brutally honest, this is the part of me that struggles and offers endless resistance to surrendering fully into being part of a partnership and family, the part of me that longs for it to be a viable options to disappear off into a hermitage for a month or two… The part of me that fears the death of me, in the onslaught of all the changes that are coming my way- that have been my life for the last… wow… 2 years now. Kyle and I have been together, officially for two whole years.
Very soon, never again will I be truly alone… in the future time spent alone will be painstakingly carved out for myself… Times for solo date nights with a book will be gifts I beg for from my Beloved ones in my future… a ritual I’m certain my little one and my Love of my life will have much to talk about about the odd tempermental needs of thier Beloved matriarch about…
But at the same time, my more consistent joining with the other, brings me into hyperview of myself- who I am that is individual and different than anyone else, even and especially those who are most kindred to my soul… I wonder sometimes, the path that lead me to about 25 years of emphisis on solitude… how quick it seems looking back- all those times I whispered to myself that I Knew I needed to relish my time, soak it up, enjoy and feel it for all it was worth- what made my time alone- time in solitude instead of time lonely… yes, I have felt very lonely- I did all I could to avoid that feeling for so long- yet the path that lead away from lonely, lead through the forest of surrendering into my feelings of loneliness, til the feelings had been felt and yes, I was alone- but deeper than that- I Knew I was destined to connect and be one with something larger than myself- my relationship with Kyle always knawed at me, til I accepted, only time would reveal if he was what I was holding out for- and if he was he would prove himself to be… and voila, months later- I was dually surprised… and now it is clear to both of us we were always going to be entwined- who else would I be with in this whole big world? Who else knows my story, knows my deepest quirks and never needs to me explain?
Life is a whirlwind, every moment rip for savoring, maybe the mindfulness is calling me to find my solitude inside of my connections with those I have chosen and am about to welcome into this world, as my family. Maybe that is why this calls me, to find this balance, to embody the acceptance and live out my way of being in solitude, surrounded by those I love- for we all are one, One looking at itself, playing and loving on itself- this is all solitude for we are never truly alone, yet we are always, just us inside our bodies- hold our one perspective and life of expereince. How blessed I am to dance this dance. My soul is singing.