I wax poetic about everything. My life, the state of the world, politics… it adds the glimmer of hope to every dark corner, reminds me that shadows are vehicles of the light.
My mornings are times of great struggle and exhaustion pulls at my every thought though the day. I’m only in my second trimester, the time when literally what my app says, “You will feel less pregnant.” And oddly enough that is exactly how it feels. Other than needing to pee more and some lessening of the morning sickness… I’m still me in my sensitive body… the asthma is back, no with a vengeance, but it’s an issue again. Mainly I would say because of my allergy that has been causing me to swim in my own fluids. This process of creating life inside my body is very life changing in ways I can’t even begin to explain. My rhythms are all different, will this ever change? Will I ever enjoy sleeping in again without the feeling of tension building in my tissues and around my joints? Specifically my neck and shoulder region…
Pillows! Oh how will I ever find the right pillows to sleep at the right angle to feel like I can rest and relax the night long. I dread the contemplation that I will not really sleep for the next 2 years, but it is seeming an inescapable part of my life development recently… Do any readers have any suggestions for a tall pregnant woman who also sleeps on a wedge? My pile is so clusterf*cked it makes the jumbling of angles trying to relax into sleep like an endless puzzle. I am so excited to reach the end of this month so my credit adjusts and I can begin to get pre qualified for the loan for the property that seems to continue to just wait for us. I do need to check on it again! But it feels like it’s staying available and it’s our home already. Such an interesting feeling, let’s see if it pans out.
This is not waxing poetic, so much as pouring out what I don’t know if I want to say, because so much is uncertain in the balance, so much is built from trust and flowing in the moments at hand. Life changes so quickly when I look down, even when I Know I manifest my experience, I see it in every aspect of my life, how I called in my experience, and that feels so empowering in the same breathe as being utterly daunting.
It’s like the churning of events hurtles my life forward on a path that I am pulled on more than I walk aimlessly as it seems… I realized this morning, that I had thought about being a parent, more to a toddler and beyond… my heart goes shudder and my expectations of myself to be always with my child til they are 6-9 months old crashes into my mind space every time I think about letting someone else care for my kid. I feel alternating between crazy with enthusiasm for what is coming and grief for the identity, the life, the person I no longer am, that I no longer will ever be again. I feel like I cling to the last few weeks, the last few months before it becomes more obvious to people who are observing me, and I will have to tell them, yes, I’m pregnant. It was interesting helping a man pick out a decaf coffee from the store selection for his pregnant girlfriend who is a coffee drinker but was striving to cut out the coffee, I mentioned the 200 mg amount per day and I felt myself want to offer that I was pregnant as well, but… it felt like stealing the stage from this man who was so focused on his budding lady… I did my best to pick from the options there, from his answers to a few spot on questions he somehow hadn’t seemed to contemplate while considering his options- he seemed very focused on Starbucks and the decaf selection of Starbucks options at this store were… limited. A coffee snob myself, it was hard to not say so much of my opinion as I have come to wise up that offering to much information distracts, information offered is limited and choices are better when selected and offered… it helps that I am intuitive and really I am reading a feeling and offering what feels like a match.
It feels so much better to have stepped back from social media. To interact with the world on my terms and at my rate. It helps that I am being social by working at a coffee spot, always being surrounded by people adds to the feeling that I am really connecting instead of just floating around bumping haphazardly into people in cyberspace and drifting from moment to moment in life.
Inspire Truth will be my night, hopefully my energy stays up for the evening Kyle and I crave. We are going to get VIP for the extra elevator and the food and the room to sit… ahhh, the year of 2016 is coming… how strange it seemed like just yesterday it was 2012 and I was still single and bopping around Eugene enjoying the fabulous culture and fun loving life I was living… yet, the loneliness, the longing to feel my separateness was the driving force as well as my deepest uniting force these last few years… my surrender into my existing separation brought down my barriers into striking unity and now I feel a little drown in my self and my power to bring forth what I longed for… ahh yes, be careful what you think about for it is what you are wishing for…
The feeling of being lost at sea, fights with the feeling of surrendering open to what is happening and just letting the experience occur, unjudged. I pull into my deeper trust that beckons as a sensation of detachment, abandon, fully feeling all that is and allowing the story of my life to unfurl as it will, feeling myself as the heroine of my novella, my book series, Artemis Walden…. hahahaha do you feel that way often yourself? I have felt this since I was a child, this layering to my experience of being alive, the way I am a passenger in many ways to the vehicle that is the progression of the path of my life journey.
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Fizzling in the moment my temperature rises in syncopated rising and falling of the heat under my skin, coursing, pulsing through my veins. The sizzle of restlessness tingles under my awareness, I feel conscious of the space between my tattering thoughts, the stretching expanse of void like silence when I can almost reach out and touch the pause between the chatter that is my presence, reaching in dialogue with my ego-mind.
The ineffable quality to the time spent sitting and thinking, contemplating and allowing myself to sit in the quiet as well as the clatter of the dialogue while with holding the need to add expectation and judgement to the mix of my experience is the struggle of my moment, yet it also is what allows my “come what may” attitude to hold tight in sacred hope to what I feel coming but I have no way of rationally understanding or explaining to anyone with words. It’s all feeling, and still feeling out those feelings is so… subtle and different. I am in a new chapter, and a new personality is emerging to shift and deal with my new focuses and trials and tribulations.
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It scares me how much I want to run. It feels like a fantasy that is trying to soothe me with the possibility of release back to what was, even though, I know that I was reaching for what is when what was, was… the past calls to me, tinted with obvious nostalgia, like being single didn’t kill and ache in it’s own mind numbing and soul sucking ways sometimes, too.
I never know if it’s being stronger to let it all go, step back and stop pushing or if it is more important to push on, to keep going, keep pressing into relentless effort finally gives through to the permanence of the point of passing the point of no return.
People fascinate me as much as they infuriate me. which is exactly how I feel about myself- ah the reflective nature of existence.
Fables of rational thought linger in the logical train of slipping open into love, no matter the ache until there is nothing but surrender into love, into the moment, into the complex subtlety of every mundane experience.
As much as I long with open yearning for what is coming, I fear the shift because I do not know what will come, for always things are new, I push for my surrender into that understanding to fruit more feelings of miracles… no more silence in the in between of seeking distraction in the drama of others… why it soothes me to push for surrender into being soothed I seek to offer to others… yet the resentment can blossom so easily when I notice the rarity of an offering that feels as pointed back… do I offer a misrepresentation and that is why the offering back can feel so pale and lacking? OR is it that my offering is shaded with ulterior intentions still held subconscious from my own awareness at this time.
I spiral in my thoughts, as in my speech and vernacular.
I need to go to the bank… and thus I digress into regurgitation of my to do list… HA hahaha.