Every morning recently I wake up feeling overwhelmed by stress, even though, I do manage to feel better by about mid-day/evening. The constant headache from temple pressure from stress is a special type of h*ll since I can’t really take anything for pain without wondering if I’m hurting my little one…
This has been going on my entire life, mornings have been the time when my demons rip out of me and eat me alive from the inside out… thoughts of never being good enough follow struggling to pull common sense priorities out of my family members… I am dumbfounded everyday by how much stress being my parents’ daughter has seemingly permanently placed into my life and my body.
(I do want to add that my Mom actually offered me a real apology for some of the interactions yesterday, which is HUGE for her… Little victories!)
I forgive and start moving forward and then they say something heartless and shocking again… Or they say nothing at all except for talking about when I’m paying back the money they lent me… I spend so much time crying because I can never feel okay with feeling this alone while struggling to grow and bring into the world, what is likely, if my family is really honest with themselves, the only next generation our bloodline will likely have.
Come on, anyone who knows my sister knows she is NOT going to have a kid… no matter the 5% chance my Mom so frequently insists at me when I point out that I’m likely carrying the only next generation we will have born…
How is it that I am born from 2 sides with piles of money in the bank, yet… all they seem to do is grab at the little bit that I have while I’m working my ass off to bring together a stable and GOOD life for myself and more so for this little one growing in me… yet, for some reason all that is cared about seems to be taking from me- when… isn’t this when most families give? Or offer help? Or ya know, assist at least?
Nope… I’m tired of being strong. And yes, I know everything will work out because I am going to make this work, same as I make everything else somehow work… with miracles pulled out of faith and knowing that I am here to love and live and goodness, if anyone has ever told me anything my entire life, it’s that I am going to be a good Mom… and goodness knows, I have thankfully found one of the most loving and nurturing men to be partnered in this lifelong task with… (thank goodness for the blessings…)
But GAWD if my family would stop making is so much harder at every step! I would like to feel like I have parents who know how to care without being forcibly shown the way.
*rant done* I need many many hugs.
