What type of parent doesn’t even bother to try to see their pregnant child for Xmas, yet only pesters that child for the money he essentially forced her to spend to fund an extra long skiing, Xmas and NYE (and beyond) trip with the other child and her significant other for the 2nd? 3rd year in a row?
(Yes, I have a very bitter taste in my mouth today.)
______>>>>
The moment of release and forgiveness: I really need to stop interacting with him at all. Kyle pointed out astutely that how we have not been connected has been completely his choice and decision. He does not care how it feels. All that he cares about is control. I know control is an illusion, so I have not cared about being in control in years! I am viscerally aware of this disconnect. And I really feel this control thing has hit it on the nail-head.
I’m going to no longer call him, text him or reply to his texts. It’s not like he much says anything to me other than ask me when I’m sending him the check. I think he said “How are you feeling?” like… once after I was hospitalized recently.
I’m realizing the holes I have allowed to sit in my energy field just to feel even a sliver of connection with him… and I need to stop it. I am the one torturing myself at this point because I am the one who stays available for more maltreatment.
Goodness this is going to be so hard. But maybe I will stop aching so much and so often… Really, I feel like this choice is more one of acceptance of what is now, than anything else. unsure emoticon
I needed to express this in a more public way because I want to be held to this decision. I’ll likely make this private soon, or move it to my blog… but I needed to own this because this is likely the hardest thing I will ever do. I need to stand up for myself though. I’m so exhausted by this constant cycle of uncaring and hurting to allow someone to feel like they are in control. Fine, have your control… but you do not get to control me. I understand control is an illusion. I ride by my rules. And my rules are love, understanding and kindness. So from understanding and kindness, in love, I release myself and I release you. I forgive you and I forgive myself. I am stepping out of this cycle of mistrust and abuse. I am focusing on feeling whole and alive. I surrender to the flow of life. I have faith in my belief in me, and I have faith in my belief in the well-being of life. I have faith in this decision because of the relief I felt when saying it. Our parents are our parents to teach us about our most primal and sacred wound. My fears of being alone are being tested. Yet, I feel more aware of my interconnectedness with all that is as I surrender into the pull of what feels better. I trust the process and I lean into my pain. I have faith in the ecstasy of living fully alive, embraced in miracles and the swirl of emotions that bubble up from my humanity. For I am humbly made of Earth and I am nobly made of star stuff. I am the Universe, the Universe is me. heart emoticon
