Me. Every word. And as free and fully alive as I feel, it’s really heavy sometimes, because feeling connected is hard when I Know I have outgrown the mental-emotional limitations and perspectives of those who I was once so intertwined with… I feel isolated often by how I have outgrown all that once was key in the definition of my identity… The loss of roles I once held, the loss of intimate connections I still yearn for…. The love I feel for them never lessens… but their ability to see me… has… shifted… and now they feel like the understanding I offered so readily no longer exists… because I realized that I was not being seen or understood anymore… and that created distance and time officially made it space… and even though I am living the life I dreamed of creating when I was 10 in so many, many ways… I both ache and yearn for those roles that I never really fit in… those identities that held me tied to my ego… I am free, but in being free… I now only see how those I love are shackled… and while I haven’t felt alone in years (the Universe and I are best buddies 😉 )… and as much as this shift into more open and flowing identity was what I started striving for back in my pre-teens… through searching for what ‘enlightenment’ means to me and what ‘healthy’ really is for my body and my being… I am pregnant… and my fears center on if my child will understand why I had to stop allowing myself to make myself available to my father….and why I hold such strong boundaries about how I will be treated…
I’d say the hardest part is that it has become accepted by society that “worrying” is a show of love… even though, worrying hurts the person worrying and distances the person who is being worried about…. if you love someone, believe in them. Worrying about someone isn’t loving them…Â it’s refusing to see their failures as the road to successes and their strengths budding from the mistakes they have stepped up and chosen to learn from… it’s holding yourself and that person in a pattern of fear and it limits all of our abilities to believe in ourselves and each other… worrying causes separation and limits the feelings of unity and connection.
This is what is most important for me to role model for my child, yet unborn… and this is why I have outgrown so much of what defined my life for so long… was I realized this… and stopped allowing myself to see others worrying and refusing to believe in me as love… it’s not love… it’s fear masquerading as love… so… I chose love. And even though it’s scary and hurts more sometimes… my life is so full and beautiful with purpose and real connection… and I believe in those I have outgrown. I believe that some day, maybe not for some years, but sometime, we will come back together, for they will have outgrown their faith in fear and they will have grown, like me, into faith in love and believing in themselves and those they love… and the whole world will be better for all of us. <3