There is no resistance to my withdrawing. I am so well practiced in stepping back and into myself my life is built around this freedom- to be just me, just myself. I have so immersed myself in this surrender for years now- I wanted to fully embrace all the singularity of “who is Artemis Walden” for a couple decades now- I remember the moment, made as a conscious choice around 11 years old to live fully embraced in the feelings- this lead me down a twisting road of self-discovery that I am still travelling. For it is not a destination but the process of the journey.
My pregnancy has not been the easiest, but then I have always been very sensitive and hyper intensified in my skin… and this is not always comfortable. But it has it’s perks as it is my story to live. I feel this contrast between the birth story I feel being pulled into arrival in a couple months. 8 weeks today til Eloise is full term- 40 weeks.
I focus on the pursuit of what brings me alive and aware of the fullness of pleasure in my life. For my life is so full of beauty, perfect manifestation and presence of all that I have always asked for with any clarity. The issue I have been realizing was my lack of clarity about what I wanted, desired, needed to feel. Sometimes I become aware of how much I have actively shunned my desires, even while seeking to root up and open to what my deepest heart pulls to me… I notice the depth of resistance I feel, the fear that pulls me back to yank myself back in. For fear of being too seen, too open- too much of me. But is there really such a thing? Why is this a fallacy that rears its ugly head into my thoughts, my strictness, the parts of me that rile at the moral ambiguity that is inherent in all that is surrendered, open to the expanding possibilities of everything. Thus is the deepest hope pondered, always the shining shimmering of glimmering within that radiates out to the depth of everything that is, as everything this beautiful and perfect. Everything is as it ought to be. There is no should and shouldn’t… there is could be and will be. There is openness in the spaces between.
The open-ended question, the answer that prods further without imposing judgment… I have felt very judgy, drawing my lines, telling my story to the world… I know this is part of discernment- walking this line- yet the pull of free flowing, creens past all callings into rigidity that puff of morality strictly held. I am consciousness exploring itself, I am the experience of something new. I am every bit alive in the every moment, in the suspended bits of silence whispered, I trust that the Universe is beyond any human speculation and wrecklessly divine in majesty supreme and grand- yet simple, perfectly rote and refreshingly mundane, quintessence of simplicity.
As Eloise rolls over, our beingness an ever shared surety. I am wrapped with feelings of contentment. The whole of everything my life is made to offer, presented in moments each one to the next, the last, this one- the one before- the one that is. We are what is. The way that time is an illusion has always whispered at me. From the time I was 8 years old, I knew my Eloise was coming. I feel her here, this presence I have always known but have yet to meet quite yet. I am excited.
Now to listen to my Rainbow Relaxation, self-hypnosis takes consistency for best implementation.